Spaghetti Brained Musings

The truth about...what? What is truth? Is there any truth anymore? I don't think so. It's all mixed in with masks and hiding and darker deceits. I don't think I have encountered anyone who is true to themselves or their word...ever actually. How sad. Honour, honesty and vulnerability is dead. Long live honour, honesty and vulnerability.

There's nowhere in the world safe enough for me to say what I am. Dying to say what I need to say. No place for whispers. No place for screams. No place for love. Too many broken hearts. Too many broken promises. Too many shattered words. Unwanted, dead or alive. Vicious head cycles and self deprecating torture. Rusted angles of loathing. Freedom beyond these jagged bars? "I know why the caged bird sings" Before I die. Before I die. I'm begging you, before I die.

Hello angry writhing snake with red lips. Can't say I missed you. What luscious growly secrets have you got for me today?

Yesterday, I got my first ever real hug. Real because....it was REAL. it was a healing hug.  it changed something for me. It's the first time I've ever felt that from someone. Hugs are never really about giving I feel, it's about taking. In my experience anyway. Yesterday I had a healing one. It was amazing. It was effortless. It was natural. It just was. I guess I must've been wide open for anything really though, because when I got in the car I was assaulted by the negative energy in a way I never have been before. And it came to me...I don't want that negativity in my life, near me, near my child. I really truly saw how damaging it is to ME. Sure to the person it is coming from as well, and to my child. But wow...it hit me like a tidal wave. I'm just kind of in awe right now. THAT is where I want to be. THAT is how I want to live. THAT is how _I_ want to feel and to give to other people sometimes too. I feel like I have so many more words in me about it...

My beautiful mum and amazing step dad,  Evie  and  Bear Lynch  have been in hospital for the past week. Mum has been in a coma  with severe cirrhosis of the liver  and Bear has been a mess. It's also been very hard for us, so far away.  She lives in the US so it’s been pretty hard on me, and those that love her who are so far away. While things are looking up, this week is only the beginning, there is still a lot more to come and they are going to need help to pay the medical bills.  By donating money, positive thoughts or kind words you can help my mum on her journey of recovery. Please,  #HelpMyMum  and Bear and spread the word.  http://bit.ly/HelpMyMum #HelpMyMum

Dream of a lady I "met before" who grew seeds and plants and stuff. In my dream, the first time I met her she had just started out and I was on my way to Ireland...and she had given me a handful of different really cool seeds. I showed these to her and she told me they were ok, but she's got much better ones now! Then I woke up.

swimming just below the oil slicked surface. plastic bubbles of help escaping through clenched teeth why must this silver etched thing be so full of suffering? forever morphing and writhing. Stillness. desire for stillness. Need for stillness. eraser faced head. there's nothing to it they said. what do they know. what do we know? how do you know? the leviathan finally has a place to speak.

I am.

So I recently took charge of my life and have started going to a support group. It's hard. That's all I'm willing to say so far. Reading one of the books I came across this poem and is struck true, I hope the author won't mind me posting it here. Even as I read it again...I get something in my eye. I am also filled with anger that it resonates so well with me and that this is who I am at the moment. That anger fuels the motivation to claim back myself, fight for her and love her again. It's hard. And it's a wondrous feeling when I take a successful step forward and see that little bit more of me, hear that little pixie girl giggle somewhere in there. I am my creator....slowly, but surely. Please Hear What I'm Not Saying                Don't be fooled by me.                Don't be fooled by the face I wear                for I wear a mask, a thousand...