Spaghetti Brained Musings

Thunderstorms and unhealthy anxiety. Heartsore. "Is this what you dreamed of?" Gods. No. Can only move forward. Hope for a balanced outcome. Heartsore.

History repeats itself. For the 3rd time. Keep that frequency clear. Like a river to the sea <end>

" there's so much i want to tell you 'bout the way i'm disappearing"

How many chapters can wood chap wood if wood chap would chap wood. Yes Marillion, learning from my own words, cruel joke. Yes Phill Collins, it's all been a pack of lies. Refugee. Refugee. Fraudster. Fraudster. The not unique dilemma of wanting something, but not really wanting. How can you be sure that you want it anyway? When the reality thoughts combine with the wanting thoughts...it just feels like it would be wrong. But it feels so right. I discovered the real meaning of kindred over the last few months. Yes, you know. The kindred I hadn't even considered to have an existence. Pleasant shock. But not enough to convert it. Never enough to convert it. Never will be enough. Wouldn't it be nice to be wrong? Not so sure. Logic over emotion. Seem to be better at this...but I don't really want it. Do I? Need it for a while. Logic is safe. I don't want to be safe. My ass is numb. This chair is hard. My belly is decreasing in size. The confidence that ...

I feel like I stink of stagnation. Slimy gnashing. Tar water. Hope Springs. Big rock about to cause some ripples, hopefully I can break free. Bare feetedness running through the forest. Twigs. Mud. Leaves. Freedom.

Musical whirlwinds. Saving me from pity parties one day at a time. Beggars and Hangers on. Hot dayam foot tappin music. Thank you Slash, Duff, Eric Dover, Gilby, Mike Inez and Matt Sorum for this song.  Once again you guys make me feel not quite so alone :) " I know that there's a time and a reason to take the ghost and lock it up inside and maybe i am down but i'm not beaten like anything we were born to die"

The voice of freedom is so quiet. Or maybe simply far away. It's all grey again. My face is forgetting what a smile feels like again. Cant feel my eyes dancing. I had golden serenity and rainbow eyes. I'd like that back please. Drums? I need drums. Funny thing I've noticed. When this happens my c-section scar acts up. I also can't bring myself to wear even the tiniest bit of make up, like my skin needs to be clean. Subconscious need to be demasked? Heart is very achey. When the little grooves and indentations on your wall become tiny worlds of what ifs, could bes and regret. New wall please.

These past 2 months have brought with them a kaleidoscope. Internal me's have been morphing and growing at a rapid pace...it's..well...quite wonderful really. Although these things always come with very hard decisions that need to be made. I have seen my musical idols live on stage, and although they are just people who play musical instruments really well...it seemed to have been one of the catalysts to this change. I don't think I will ever be the same from that....maybe only because I saw for the first time that anything is possible? The lump in my throat confirms it. Friday night past brought with it another Neverland person who shares my maiden surname. I had fun...proper, proper fun, the kind of fun I can only barely remember. The Pan person had inputs too. I was free :) I flew again, with kindred people. I think that has been the final catalyst. Hmm...also the final push to show me that anything is possible. To have that kind of fun again..I realise now that I ...

and so a child was born. amoungst flowers, amoungst the tress who spoke freely. Amoungst the moss that whispered her to sleep. An amoungst the the rocks that breathed the life into her small, golden body. the first time she opened her eyes she saw a rainbow. the first thing she remembered touching was the earth. and the first time she spoke...the rocks shattered. the trees shook, the flowers fell apart and the moss turned to glass. her voice was not for this place, so she chose other ways to talk. The earth forgave her and together they learnt how to mold this single beautiful being named Mara. her life was not so different from your or mine. she still felt frustrated and caged in her life despite her Sprite like existence. the kind many of us dream of. just like us, she would sometimes forget to see, feel, touch and listen to the magic that surrounded her. she was lucky though, the warm, steady pulse of the earth would always bring her back to her roots, remind her that even if sh...

If I wanted to write a story where would I start? Where does anyone start? So much to say but no way to say it. What is in a way anyway? Too many forks. But not enough spoons. Where do chopsticks come into it? Do they come into it? Where do I come into it? There’s so much to say. So much I want to say. But it’s not coming through me. Where is it coming from? Me. Or you? The last thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the park. I was reading. My shoes were off because it was a warm day. Not so warm that I was sweating. Warm enough to be relaxing – my body didn’t have to be rigid against the cold.

so many goings ons. so much of thunks. 3 books to write them in...and none of them have scribbles. i am joe's big, giant sigh. pros and cons, scales and twins....with a giant question mark hovering above all of it. I'm on the cusp of...something....ebbing and flowing. I think there are too many things trying to be sorted out at the same time. the desire still stands though...i want to flourish. more than anything i just want to ...fly i guess. freedom. i want to be able to laugh and show The Bean the world and all its magic. moments of it come at least. need more of it, for both of us. light as a feather. at least my body isn't such an anchor anymore. already able to move easier. i have energy now...its amazing. the energy doesn't last at home though, this bothers me. but i suppose that is being worked on. bubblin' and brewin' too many or so many? so many. more and more glimpses...there's one right now :) yay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vgwp-iQenn4 I was lying in my bed last night Staring at a ceiling full of stars When it suddenly hit me I just have to let you know how I feel We live together in a photograph of time I look into your eyes And the seas open up to me I tell you I love you And I always will And I know that you can't tell me And I know that you can't tell me So I'm left to pick up The hints, the little symbols of your devotion So I'm left to pick up The hints, the little symbols of your devotion I feel your fists And I know it's out of love And I feel the whip And I know it's out of love I feel your burning eyes burning holes Straight through my heart It's out of love It's out of love I accept and I collect upon my body The memories of your devotion I accept and I collect upon my body The memories of your devotion I feel your fists And I know it's out of love And I feel the whip And I know it's out of love I feel your burning eyes bu...

Last night a long standing person dominated my dreams. Been a very long time since one person was in all the dreams I remember - 3 of them, and one of them was a dream in a dream, so i suppose that's technically 4. Rephrase - I don't remember 2 of the dreams, but I remember SS being in the dreams, I woke up inbetween. The parts of the other dreams I do remember go as follows: the dream in the dream: In the Crypt, he was standing behind 3 small tables. red lights on and echoing. the tables had one them: a brown leather covered book, thick sheets of just off white paper and some wood from the sea. He was standing there with his hands behind his back looking at me and waiting for me to choose one. In my dream I woke up and went "whoa i had a cool dream about you" and told him that. there was an undercurrent of ...hmm...i can only really describe it as "Jeffrey Dahmer"ness...and comfort, following the same tone of our entire relationship. it was nice. so...

a dancing ghost amoungst the memory trees. a living thing that writhes and pulses....but lacks definition. deeds undone.  a whispery catastrophe. but none of it makes sense...does it need to? it all makes sense. i want to sleep next to trinkets that tinkle, sit under a sun that sets, laugh under colours that sparkle. the only tears would be from the moon. freedom. i want freedom. freedom with my pixie bean. no more cages. no more stifling. being able to fly again. there's so much more to life than this. i want to live it.

Did you know that there is an actual thing for adult children of alcoholics? An actual psychological thing.  I didn't. It does explain a lot. Caught me by surprise. Big time.  finding out at the same time as this metamorphosis I'm trying to accomplish put things into perspective. It's very hard. To learn how to live for you instead of other people. very hard. and very frustrating when you are trying to flourish, but keep getting put back into a cage. hard to stay motivated  but. everyone has "those days", today is one of them. discouraged, demotivated, frustrated, spitting and writhing. end. no. not end actually. this is my forum. my place. i dont want this blog thing to turn into a diary. i dont want it to turn negative. I'm so sick of negativity.  can feel that red rage formerly known as Delilah bubbling in my veins and building up in my throat. spitting and writhing.  i want to break free. forever just out of my reach. except it's not is it? how...

http://zengarage.com.au/2013/03/marina-abramovic-and-ulay/ I bawled a bit. and am bawling again.  so beautiful.

So the Daniel Pan was in my dream a lot last night. So was the ocean and rain and ocean creatures Used to dream a lot about the sea and her wildlife - feels good to be back there again. The breakdown: It's all jumbly, but here goes I think the other Pan was having a party or something...or there was a beach party that i was at and his parent's house was close by i left the party and was walking around in this huge house that had about 4 levels...all with lovely thick carpeted stairs. I kept running into his mum...and then I'd see the Pan person and he'd have that intense, unsmiling look that he had in a dream before this...I'm not really sure why i was in the house and i didn't speak to the Pan person much, he just popped up a lot...i was with his mum in the kitchen at one stage The house was big and square...and...the walls were very textured and the cracky texture had some discolouration...like....dried tea bags had been dabbed all over parchment paper.....

I love it when the inspiration rage hits.....and everything is going everywhere and so many thoughts and so many wants and so many dreams and wishes and and and. A fly just flew into my juice. That could be the perfect text for one of those ADHD meme things. I have today to myself, completely to myself. I've used it to be inspired...now I just need to let it out. I need more days to myself. Days like this! I'm so excited! Veins a-pumping. Well...duh they are. You know what I mean. I'm going to paint. Bye bye now.

i wonder what it's like to be a memory. do they feel the feelings, see the sights, speak the talks? are they like ghosts, flitting around. do they change and grow up like people, start at one person and being transferred to another  building on what it was for its own growth as well as the person;s. or... do they pop in and out of existence but stay pretty much just part of the cosmicness that our brain milky ways produce. i keep thinking of the dreams in The BFG now. Thanks for that one Mum. Mental note to show it to the Bean when she's older. Imagine if you could be a Memory Wanderer. I suppose everyone is one to a degree. I'm wandering a lot of my memories lately. Memories of friends like Sonja and the times we had, how I miss her so much now and catching up over the interweb just isn't enough. Those times were so different. So good, but so different. Everything has changed so much...it's the nature of things...

It's nice sitting in your head when it's all quiet. You get to look around. No rushing, no others' thoughts to cloud it or try to push in. Just quiet. So much more to see. So much more to hear. Every scuffle echoes and ripples and morphs. I like it here again. I want to invite people to come over.

CocoRosie in general is one of my biggest soul sparkle inducers. The sight of these sister just makes me cry...pure emotions. Not sure why. It's is one of my greatest wishes to meet them or at the very least see them perform. But I can't get enough of RIP BurnFace http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjrOYRArBLk " Acid burned face clowny tear smile She's the one who made you wild She made you question all your answers Made you beg for her forgiveness Baby girl, don't cry Momma's gonna buy you a glass eye And it will glimmer like starlight She's got no reservations Ain't got no place to be He graveyard's in the backyard Where the meadows used to be" Even better is that the YT link is of them singing live...so you get to SEE them, the beautiful golden children. Another possibility for my upcoming sabbatical...

such a strange feeling. to want to write so badly, but not knowing what to write. "I've got nothing to write about". such a cop out. how can anyone not have something to write about? Every day you see something different, even if you don't notice it. every day there is some sort of change. routine? doesnt truly exist. there are too many happenings in the world for that. nothing is ever the same. who would want it to be? today i got saved again, by music. music i havent heard before. i know it wont be the same. tomorrow it wont have the same colours, sounds, smells and textures. every day is an adventure... today i semi played in puddles...so did the other 2 pans. we got to do that because of  a mundane thing like a fire drill. i got to have flashes of non memories of The Bean and i playing around in puddles and giggling and laughing. wishes, dreams and hopes...because of a "mundane" happening. its so easy to get stuck in the dreary every day outl...

It' s a difficult thing, to merge alter egos, when the fissure between the 3 seem so big. Why were they separated in the first place? Self preservation? If so, it didn't work, not by a long shot. But the healing has started. They all got pretty much mutilated. But...that's in the past and it's the now that's exciting, finally. Delilah: my beautiful strong, sexy, sultry Delilah, bathed in red velvet and born to be shrouded in smoke. Never quite seen ...but, oh you can see her glowing eyes and shiny red lips You can't miss those. I miss her the most, I think. She brings the passion, of all kinds. The Pan: the bubble froths, happy heart jelly, Neverland and all round fae. This one took me to Ireland to try and save my whole self. This one runs in my veins, pulses in my heart and sings in my soul. This one was never really lost, just hiding. Leila: the name I was given. Quite a nice one. The eternal introvert. Is this the weak one? The one who allowed this all...