Spaghetti Brained Musings

 A work function where I was light and life and exuberance and cosmic energy fuelling myself and everyone around me.  I fed and was fed.  I had a grand time.  It ended in smooches from one who has captured my interest.  Days later I sit here as I'm told humans are a web of connection - which I normally whole heartedly agree with. Except all I see coming from me to those who I am held fast to are inky tendrils of decay.  The one who has captured my interest has once again resorted to communication and head games, so I am ended there. Hopefully properly this time. The words "I deserve better" are logical and true for those in worthiest of lights....however I'm not really sure I deserve much of anything to be honest.  My words of false confidence and high self worth so blindingly, screamingly false. As I proudly announced them to my eager audience at the work function my soul shrivelled with the shame of the lie.  "She's amazing" "She's so fucking ...

 I allowed hope to seep in. I allowed the cracks to form to give space for it. I am filled with shame, humiliation, and certain of my unworthiness as a result. Things changed. The constant talking stopped. I knew things had changed. I wasn't sure if it was because of this body, or because it's just me. Yesterday he gave me a lift home. we had lols. When he left he said something along the lines of how attachable I am, and my spawn is the same. I was so taken aback I didn't even have time to form the thought, let along the words, "we're both naturally affectionate people" he said it as a lol. and then backed with he's a lovable guy so it's understandable. i got a hug...but when his hand touched a back roll he moved it quite quickly away. And a "maybe " to spawn for seeing him next week. he also unmatched me on bumble. not deleted account. unmatched. Sometime yesterday, not sure when.  So, here are my findings: 1) I am too much, again.  2) I am...

 Today I'm consumed.  With work. With heartache about my mum. With anxiety about my future. With anxiety about my kid's future With the feeling of being unworthy. I have taken on another job to earn extra money so i can pay off my debts that i feel like i will never escape. this week and next are going to be rough because it's big assignments to mark, but i also just didnt start one of the subjects' marking when i should have so. it's temporary. from next week it will go back to more normal levels. my mum. been ill for years due to cirrhosis of the liver. not booze related. she lives in america. shes been declining over time, of course. notably over the last year. been to hopsital with near deaths a few times because she stops taking her meds. her brain is going because of the disease. it's now like she had ementia and its only really hitting me now, after I've seen how it actually is. I will never get to tell my mum anything in confidence again...never get ...

 When I'm 60, and look back on my life. This stress. This anxiety. This despair...because of work. Will mean nothing. I'm using so many of my years on this.  I will have nothing to look back on and think "I made a difference". It will all just be "I stressed so much and was anxious about so much, for nothing". It didn't mean anything. I'm spending most of my life doing stuff for other people. spending 8+ hours a day for them. Not with my kid. Not helping anyone. Not doing anything that makes me feel alive. Not doing anything I find purpose in.  I can't keep doing this year after year.  So, what do I do now? How do I support my kid and her education, without this kind of job? This is the only thing I have experience in. I can't afford a course to do counselling or anything like that, which is what I really want to do.