Consumed

 Today I'm consumed. 

With work.

With heartache about my mum.

With anxiety about my future.

With anxiety about my kid's future

With the feeling of being unworthy.

I have taken on another job to earn extra money so i can pay off my debts that i feel like i will never escape. this week and next are going to be rough because it's big assignments to mark, but i also just didnt start one of the subjects' marking when i should have so. it's temporary. from next week it will go back to more normal levels.

my mum. been ill for years due to cirrhosis of the liver. not booze related. she lives in america. shes been declining over time, of course. notably over the last year. been to hopsital with near deaths a few times because she stops taking her meds. her brain is going because of the disease. it's now like she had ementia and its only really hitting me now, after I've seen how it actually is. I will never get to tell my mum anything in confidence again...never get to share secrets etc, ask for advice. and ive been moaning about talking to her because its so draining. before this all hit recently. things escalted. she nearly died again. etc. how it must be for her :( shes fixated on me and my spawn going to visit now...never going to happen as idont have the funds...neither do they. and of course, covid. but thats what shes fixating on now. i just saw so much of how her brain function has deteriorated recently, and had some very honest conversation with step dad about it. sad. heart broken. I have been calmly neutral and nub to it all, foolishly thinking id made peace with the fac that shes dying. I just hadnt seen the brain aspect of it, to this extent. 

who do i tell?

which brings me to my next thing. ran into a friends from over 20 years ago. had a crush on him back then. hes working at my workplace now, just started. gave him my number when we first ran into each other...much flirting and talking of potentially FWB etc...then i staerted backing off because you know. don't think he saw me properly. my big body. only suitable for fetishists with an obesity kink. then he started this week...granted its been super busy for him, i know all the meetings that happen in your first week. so i was waiting to pursue anything more fervently until he'd seen me again and if he still responded as such. im getting less messages etc, we were talking all day before. he was unemployed so i understand that, and busy etc. but no more flirting. but again...busy etc. also i have a crush again. a big one. and i feel such shame. it makes me cripple myself. such shame. how can i ever be worthy? this body takes all worth. i dont think hed want to or is in the right space for anything more than fwb anyway.  it would be nice to get laid. but im also the kind of person that doesnt shag unless there are feelings involved so its all a mess. if it does happen anyway but i go in there with eyes wide open to that.

who do i tell of the shame? the shame that makes my hands, arms, legs and chest numb as it washes over me. 

i want to be loved. i want to feel love.

i want to be a better mom. a better....person. a worthy person. i dont feel worthy.

sometimes i think of ending it..but then what would happen to bethany? she cant live with her drug addict father who lives with his jesus freak conspiracy theoryist mother. what if i get sick..what happens to her then? jesus. 

who do i tell?

who.