Worth

 A work function where I was light and life and exuberance and cosmic energy fuelling myself and everyone around me. 

I fed and was fed. 

I had a grand time. 

It ended in smooches from one who has captured my interest. 

Days later I sit here as I'm told humans are a web of connection - which I normally whole heartedly agree with. Except all I see coming from me to those who I am held fast to are inky tendrils of decay. 

The one who has captured my interest has once again resorted to communication and head games, so I am ended there. Hopefully properly this time. The words "I deserve better" are logical and true for those in worthiest of lights....however I'm not really sure I deserve much of anything to be honest. 

My words of false confidence and high self worth so blindingly, screamingly false. As I proudly announced them to my eager audience at the work function my soul shrivelled with the shame of the lie. 

"She's amazing" "She's so fucking cool" "I'm so glad I met you" - my radiance was turned to them. Wholly.  I thrived in giving it to them. I saw their delight. I saw them being and filled. I saw it glint in them and fuel them. I liked that, I liked being able to do that, being able to give parts of me away to make them shine too. 

Now....I'm tired man. I'm so tired. I don't think I can do this anymore. 

My capacity to love has always been a blessing and a curse....such a fucking blessing because it is a rare thing to be able to shine love on people. To be so full of love. For it to be so true. A return is never expected....but holy fuck it would be nice once in a while to have it returned. I did see it returned at work function - they shone back at me.  The more pure kind of love, that doesn't get tainted by anything else. Except it's so fleeting in others, and mostly a reflection of what I shine out. Still. It's a beautiful experience. 

To be worthy of something more. To be worthy of love. Sacred. 

I wither. I cry. I numb. I die. 

I feel like a screaming kettle, teetering on the edge of the chaos of consumption and sound. But also so defeated. Ended. Numb. 

My mum. Baby daddy. The one who has my interest though truth be told I don't think he should. This body I inhabit. The world as it is now. The lack of empathy, compassion, kindness. The dark is taking over the light...and I'm so tired. And not at the same time. I also just don't give a shit. Please, just take me. Just consume me. I don't want this anymore. But then my kid. And how that would break her beyond any repair. How could I let that happen? 

I try to be worthy of her love and trust...but every day I break it with harshness....harshness that isn't me. I am her ONLY place. And yet...I hear my words do damage. Vow to stop. Get pushed to my limit in a second and...again. How can I be worthy if I squash a child's spirit. The purest of all things. The most sacred of all things.