Wretched

 I allowed hope to seep in. I allowed the cracks to form to give space for it.

I am filled with shame, humiliation, and certain of my unworthiness as a result.

Things changed. The constant talking stopped. I knew things had changed. I wasn't sure if it was because of this body, or because it's just me.

Yesterday he gave me a lift home. we had lols. When he left he said something along the lines of how attachable I am, and my spawn is the same. I was so taken aback I didn't even have time to form the thought, let along the words, "we're both naturally affectionate people" he said it as a lol. and then backed with he's a lovable guy so it's understandable. i got a hug...but when his hand touched a back roll he moved it quite quickly away. And a "maybe " to spawn for seeing him next week.

he also unmatched me on bumble. not deleted account. unmatched. Sometime yesterday, not sure when. 

So, here are my findings:

1) I am too much, again. 

2) I am unworthy of love or physical desire

3) I'm disgusting

He doesn't know that I am very verbally and physically affectionate with all of the people close to me....it would be unfortunate if that is what pushed him away. But then not a loss, rather a bullet dodged because this is how I am. I love my big heart. It holds a lot. It carries a lot. It spreads far and wide. It is a special thing that I have there and I know that. 

I am crushed. I am shamed. I am humiliated. I am sad. So sad. 

Not necessarily because his interest waned...but I think because the "you're not good enough" voices again have proof. 

I have deleted all dating things from my phone. I don't to go through this again. Every time. I'm done now. I can't let the voices win.  I need to be present and strong for my kid. Not this aching, oozing wretched creature.



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