The Road to Recovery

Did you know that there is an actual thing for adult children of alcoholics? An actual psychological thing. 

I didn't.

It does explain a lot. Caught me by surprise. Big time. 

finding out at the same time as this metamorphosis I'm trying to accomplish put things into perspective.

It's very hard. To learn how to live for you instead of other people. very hard. and very frustrating when you are trying to flourish, but keep getting put back into a cage. hard to stay motivated 

but. everyone has "those days", today is one of them. discouraged, demotivated, frustrated, spitting and writhing.

end.

no. not end actually.

this is my forum. my place. i dont want this blog thing to turn into a diary. i dont want it to turn negative. I'm so sick of negativity.  can feel that red rage formerly known as Delilah bubbling in my veins and building up in my throat. spitting and writhing. 

i want to break free. forever just out of my reach. except it's not is it? how can it be,  when it's mine. self sabotage. must end. tired of feeling fake .tried of feeling like i dont matter. i need to learn how to matter to myself. don't think i ever have? 

that actually makes me excited again. to matter to myself. what a cool idea. just saw some glitter. felt that smile. hello pan. thank you.

see...i can do it :)

heartsore?

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