"there's so much i want to tell you
'bout the way i'm disappearing"

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Uncomprehending

There's nowhere in the world safe enough for me to say what I am. Dying to say what I need to say. No place for whispers. No place for screams. No place for love. Too many broken hearts. Too many broken promises. Too many shattered words. Unwanted, dead or alive. Vicious head cycles and self deprecating torture. Rusted angles of loathing. Freedom beyond these jagged bars? "I know why the caged bird sings" Before I die. Before I die. I'm begging you, before I die.
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"Naked but oblivious"

Has it really been over a year? I suppose it has. Priorities. Time. Change. All of that. And none of it too. So much caged catharsis lately especially. Releasing very buried down parts of myself, but causing other parts of myself to be locked up in response. Naked, in another form of armour. I wonder how long this goes on for? Each step bringing another brick of a different colour, taking me to new a destination. It's funny...how being naked can be just another way of hiding. False vulnerability. What a joke. Perfectly aware. Perfectly naked. Perfectly false. Perfectly breaking. "Apparently nothing" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9MAg9E5K3w Because how can anyone when I don't let them, even when I'm begging for it. Blocking it. More than anything, I wish for freedom.
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Ohm

Yesterday, I got my first ever real hug. Real because....it was REAL. it was a healing hug.  it changed something for me. It's the first time I've ever felt that from someone. Hugs are never really about giving I feel, it's about taking. In my experience anyway. Yesterday I had a healing one. It was amazing. It was effortless. It was natural. It just was. I guess I must've been wide open for anything really though, because when I got in the car I was assaulted by the negative energy in a way I never have been before. And it came to me...I don't want that negativity in my life, near me, near my child. I really truly saw how damaging it is to ME. Sure to the person it is coming from as well, and to my child. But wow...it hit me like a tidal wave. I'm just kind of in awe right now. THAT is where I want to be. THAT is how I want to live. THAT is how _I_ want to feel and to give to other people sometimes too. I feel like I have so many more words in me about it...
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