Rights of admission reserved...no longer
It' s a difficult thing, to merge alter egos, when the fissure between the 3 seem so big. Why were they separated in the first place? Self preservation? If so, it didn't work, not by a long shot. But the healing has started. They all got pretty much mutilated. But...that's in the past and it's the now that's exciting, finally.
Delilah: my beautiful strong, sexy, sultry Delilah, bathed in red velvet and born to be shrouded in smoke. Never quite seen ...but, oh you can see her glowing eyes and shiny red lips You can't miss those. I miss her the most, I think. She brings the passion, of all kinds.
The Pan: the bubble froths, happy heart jelly, Neverland and all round fae. This one took me to Ireland to try and save my whole self. This one runs in my veins, pulses in my heart and sings in my soul. This one was never really lost, just hiding.
Leila: the name I was given. Quite a nice one. The eternal introvert. Is this the weak one? The one who allowed this all to happen? The one who hides from "Never scared." I suppose it would be if every other ounce of matter had been taken away and separated. Slashed to pieces, burnt and lost. Who can survive that?
I did, actually...I'm here aren't I?
Gods. I missed my Pan and Delilah. I missed me. ME. The whole thing...This separation business is exhausting...and so much gets lost. Too much. Except I've woken up again, I'm alive again, well getting there. And...more whole.
Change is good, and it doesn't come without a fight. Sometimes though, I wish it hadn't been such a long and cruel fight. I wish I hadn't allowed it to happen. A 4 year battle, that has taken 6 years to overcome. In the land of all things bright and beautiful, but not of the Never, I stood alone in the shadows for a very long time. Admitting this is almost as hard.
Doubts abounding. But they are of the superficial kind. They don't have depth, not really. The strongest does, maybe, the one that tells me I can't be anything because of what my body has become. The shame is like a tidal wave, that deep dark cave seems the most welcoming place on this earth.
The best part about it...is that it can be changed. It IS being changed. so...in your face Big Doubt. In your jolly well face.
There's freedom again. And the words are starting to come. Glorious, beautiful words. NEVER SCARED. It's time now. Time to believe again.
That Neverland may be gone, but look over there. The sparkly thing. It's a new one. A different one. Still sparkly, still magicy, still...ey. Third star to the right and straight on til morning. I think that earns some pretty funky happy heart jelly. Thank you Valkyrie Mum.
BANG. Starting from scratch. Already found a Pan person to inhabit the tree house. Got myself a Lost Boy too, to help hunt the pirates. The Pixie Bean can head up the fairy kingdom, or at least play with them. Got plenty of my own pirates to be doing that dirty work, so they have a home too. More Pan people will come along, they have a habit of doing that at the right times. The dark, twisty tar bits have a home too of course, but they need to have their own island for now until they can be trimmed down to a more manageable size. "In a land where all things were perfect....and poisonous." Tally ho! Purple rivers, glittery trees, jelly crocodiles, talking/laughing skulls, poisonous cutlery and hand drawn horses. It's raining stars again...can you see?
Can you see that? No, not that. THAT. It's called a laugh. It has colours too...all you have to do is look.
Unleash, he said. Unleash I will. Re-life begins now. Lots of work to do! See? no..there? ...no...nice try. Nanny nanny noo noo.
Tinkle tinkle.
Not really sure what comes next, ain't it cool?
Delilah: my beautiful strong, sexy, sultry Delilah, bathed in red velvet and born to be shrouded in smoke. Never quite seen ...but, oh you can see her glowing eyes and shiny red lips You can't miss those. I miss her the most, I think. She brings the passion, of all kinds.
The Pan: the bubble froths, happy heart jelly, Neverland and all round fae. This one took me to Ireland to try and save my whole self. This one runs in my veins, pulses in my heart and sings in my soul. This one was never really lost, just hiding.
Leila: the name I was given. Quite a nice one. The eternal introvert. Is this the weak one? The one who allowed this all to happen? The one who hides from "Never scared." I suppose it would be if every other ounce of matter had been taken away and separated. Slashed to pieces, burnt and lost. Who can survive that?
I did, actually...I'm here aren't I?
Gods. I missed my Pan and Delilah. I missed me. ME. The whole thing...This separation business is exhausting...and so much gets lost. Too much. Except I've woken up again, I'm alive again, well getting there. And...more whole.
Change is good, and it doesn't come without a fight. Sometimes though, I wish it hadn't been such a long and cruel fight. I wish I hadn't allowed it to happen. A 4 year battle, that has taken 6 years to overcome. In the land of all things bright and beautiful, but not of the Never, I stood alone in the shadows for a very long time. Admitting this is almost as hard.
Doubts abounding. But they are of the superficial kind. They don't have depth, not really. The strongest does, maybe, the one that tells me I can't be anything because of what my body has become. The shame is like a tidal wave, that deep dark cave seems the most welcoming place on this earth.
The best part about it...is that it can be changed. It IS being changed. so...in your face Big Doubt. In your jolly well face.
There's freedom again. And the words are starting to come. Glorious, beautiful words. NEVER SCARED. It's time now. Time to believe again.
That Neverland may be gone, but look over there. The sparkly thing. It's a new one. A different one. Still sparkly, still magicy, still...ey. Third star to the right and straight on til morning. I think that earns some pretty funky happy heart jelly. Thank you Valkyrie Mum.
BANG. Starting from scratch. Already found a Pan person to inhabit the tree house. Got myself a Lost Boy too, to help hunt the pirates. The Pixie Bean can head up the fairy kingdom, or at least play with them. Got plenty of my own pirates to be doing that dirty work, so they have a home too. More Pan people will come along, they have a habit of doing that at the right times. The dark, twisty tar bits have a home too of course, but they need to have their own island for now until they can be trimmed down to a more manageable size. "In a land where all things were perfect....and poisonous." Tally ho! Purple rivers, glittery trees, jelly crocodiles, talking/laughing skulls, poisonous cutlery and hand drawn horses. It's raining stars again...can you see?
Can you see that? No, not that. THAT. It's called a laugh. It has colours too...all you have to do is look.
Unleash, he said. Unleash I will. Re-life begins now. Lots of work to do! See? no..there? ...no...nice try. Nanny nanny noo noo.
Tinkle tinkle.
Not really sure what comes next, ain't it cool?
Love you my magic delightful child!
ReplyDeleteValkyrie Mum